It’s just past 10pm on Sunday night, and I’m in bed with a lidocaine patch on my back and three Tylenol PMs making their way through my system with a fourth to come when I’m done writing this. I had a whole plan for the weekend with some built-in lazy time, some errands, some family time and a lot of time cleaning and organizing the second floor of my not-large condo. (Two floors! But only 1200 square feet, so it really isn’t as big as it sounds. Bigger than some of my apartments, smaller than others.)
What happened is I woke up this morning mentally raring to go, curled up on the couch to eat breakfast, and when I stood up – OUCH. A dull ache right where my bulging disk hurt last year. I usually have some minor back pain due to poor posture and a body physiology that carries all my weight in my belly, which also throws my posture awry. But this was concerning and it didn’t go away all day. I took four ibuprofen and decided I would be best served by being very gentle to my back. Which means not a lot of bending, which means not a lot of cleaning got done.
I did go visit my grandmother, which was lovely. And I got a couple of errands done on the way home, which was good. But my benefits at the new job don’t kick in until March, thanks to a ridiculous probationary period, so until then, I am basically terrified of my back hurting me again. I can’t afford to pay for all the uncovered treatment, and I don’t really want to have to get COBRA because it’s crazy expensive – but I will if I have to.
So today was intended to be a HOME post, which it’s still going to be! I am going to sound like the biggest slob but here are the habits I need to get ingrained in my soul, and will be focusing on first:
Really cleaning the kitchen every night. Normally I’ll pile all the dishes in the sink and call it done, but there’s no reason for that when I have a perfectly functional dishwasher and also I AM ONLY ONE PERSON. So far I’m batting .1000 on going to bed with a clean kitchen. But some nights I have gotten out of bed and gone downstairs to clean because I slipped back into my lazy ways.
Getting all the crap off of my couch nightly. This one is a little harder because I live on my couch. Probably why my back hates me. Definitely why my cats love me, though. So I’ll have dishes, Xbox controller, a quilt or blanket, books, knitting supplies, all of that just piled up around me. I also kind of hate my couch these days but am stuck with it for the time being, so it would behoove me to take better care of it.
Taking better care of my clothes. I am The Worst about this. I swear, some days I don’t even feel like an adult, and I am a flipping middle-aged woman who can’t be bothered not to undress to the floor. Why am I like this? It’s ridiculous.
Three small steps that fell by the wayside during my two-year depression. Slowly, slowly, I am regaining who I was.
MENTAL HEALTH MOMENT
My grandmother and I talked today about my new job. I told her that I’d given up a lot of things for this new job – things like 100% paid for health insurance, and more vacation days than I could use, and a fully-funded HSA. But that what I got back was worth it. And her response? She said that it was wonderful having the “old” me back. She could tell that I was happier without the stress of that job, without the constant travel and worry. And I do feel more like myself. It’s a good thing. I still have moments of dread, and I had to tell my old paralegal not to ask me questions about my old cases; it stressed me out and was an anxiety trigger because there was nothing I could do about them anymore. But they’re less frequent and I can mostly handle them without needing an anti-anxiety pill. I still carry those with me, but I haven’t taken one in days, and before that, weeks.
Things are looking up.